People struggling with suicide have many thoughts running through their heads. You may be at the point where you want a painless suicide and are taking the next step in figuring out how to kill yourself painlessly. I hope you understand that after reading the thoughts above, there are no painless suicides. 

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Let me tell you one reason I never pulled the trigger. I believe it was God that prompted my grandpa to say this, but when I was really young, he told me about an old man that tried to take his own life. 

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I don't remember the exact details, but from what I remember, this is how my grandpa told it:

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My grandpa explained that this man wanted to kill himself. He thought, "How do I kill myself as quickly and painlessly as possible?" He decided a gun was the best option.

 

So this man went and got a gun. He then put the gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. To his surprise, the gun went off, but he was still alive. The bullet shot through his face and blew his eye out. 

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This deeply disturbed him, and he was in a lot of pain, so he put the gun under his jaw and quickly pulled the trigger again. This time he was still alive, but he had blown part of his jaw and face off. 

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By this time, he was in a tremendous amount of pain and didn't want to die anymore, so he went inside to get his wife to take him to the hospital.

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This man survived, but now has to face the massive scars on his face and a blind eye. 

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This story stuck with me for the rest of my life. One or two years later, I found myself having suicidal thoughts. I went outside and put a gun to my head, ready to end it all.

 

I remembered my grandpa's story as I felt the cold, hard metal against my cheek, teeth, and tongue. I didn't want the same thing to happen to me, so I tried placing the gun at different angles on my head and chest, trying to imagine the trajectory of the bullet.

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Crying, I finally put the gun down. I didn't want to end up like that old man, so I walked back into the house. 

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I felt even worse. I felt like a failure because I couldn't kill myself.

 

This didn't matter, though, because I don't feel like a failure anymore. In fact, I am a hero for facing these thoughts and having the guts to face them head-on. I am a hero for not killing myself. I am a hero to all my friends, family, and my now wife and kids. 

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I am a hero to the tens of thousands of people that visit this site every month. 

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You can also be a hero. There are people who feel like you all over the world.

 

Your story and encouragement can help them. 

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I struggled with suicide several times after this incident. Do you know what set me free and changed my life?

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A simple prayer.

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You can read more about my testimony at the I want to kill myself page or my full testimony of how to die to yourself here, but here is the short version:

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After developing PTSD from my deployments to Iraq, my life started to spiral out of control. 

 

I eventually came to a breaking point.

 

I learned about heaven and hell and would have killed myself if I didn't believe I would go to Hell.

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So I cried out to God and said "I wrecked my life, so you can have it."

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This simple prayer transformed my life. My life was changed within that very week!

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Say this prayer with me and find peace just like I did.

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God, I believe you exist. I believe You sent your Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins. I believe He died for me and that He rose from the grave and still lives today. 

I wrecked my life, so You can have it. I believe in You and choose to serve You. Please deliver me from the thoughts that haunt me and give me peace. Baptize me in Your Holy Spirit. Please forgive me of my sins and lead me to where You want me to go.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

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